TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from position. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, certain, let's have another place the place American Males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the Trump Tower Damascus alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he must stop employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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